"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." - Philippians 4:6-7
Expectations. We put them on ourselves. We put them on others. And we put them on God. There are expectations which God would want us to faithfully hope in and others that we selfishly put on Him.
I used to have a list of expectations when I was younger for the woman I would like to marry someday. I had it from the physical appearance to what kind of personality she would have to other small details that shouldn't matter. The consumer in us whats to pre-order our spouse and expect God to give it to us as long as we remain faithful so that way we can justify that we "deserve" that person.
We have never deserved to have anything that God gives us but He gladly gives us His grace and mercy. It's not until you break yourself away from the selfish mindset that you truly start to allow God to fill your heart with the desires He wants you to have instead of the desires you want to have.
God has been laying upon my heart a desire for Israel. A desire to marry a woman who loves God and Israel just as much as I do. When I think about what's happening to our nation and where this world is heading, I get anxious. I feel as if I need to hurry up my plans, find a good job, get married, have a few kids, and feel like my life is somewhat complete before judgement hits this planet.
But what does that first part say in Philippians 4:6? "Do not be anxious about anything..." Why would any of us be anxious? Because we have plans. Selfish plans. Plans that we want to see through. We think we know better than God. I read these verses today and praying to God saying, "You're right God... I've been selfish and dumb for thinking my timeline is better than yours."
Prayer has been hitting me hard in all my teachings. I don't feel as if God has been on the outside of my heart's door but more of the fact that He has been with me but I have refused to talk to Him. Kind of like a stagnant marriage life when the spouses don't talk to each other for a while. Or maybe He would be doing all the talking and I would stay quiet.
After opening up once again and communicating once again, there is a peace that God brought upon me. One that is definitely hard to understand.
Something else that I have been noticing is that my struggle with lust has dwindled. Working in front of Victoria Secret you would think it would drive a man crazy. By the grace of God I have actually gotten stronger. The pictures don't phase me. The women may be attractive but in all honesty my heart longs for a woman of God.
I know and see many physically attractive women almost everyday, including on Facebook. There isn't a day when I wish one of them would be surrounded by a halo and God say, "Go after her!" The hardest part about the wait, is the restraint of self. and waiting for the right moment to pursue. Something else that is troubling is seeing women who claim to believe in the same God you do and you see them make poor choices, even publicly for everyone to see.
I long to love my future wife like Christ has loved us. To be self-sacrificing. To love her enough to go to Hell and back. And if necessary, to die for her. God willing, I will be the husband she desires as well, and also be a loving father to children. We all desire the promise of new life and God is the only one who can bring about those promises in our lives. If I ever have the privilege to get to that point, it will be because of Him. He knows how long I have been waiting and been fighting to one day have a future family.
I pray for God's providence and perspective. He has given it. He is giving it. And He will continue to do so. Amen.
